Napoleon

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Albanyac and his neighbor Sam have finished watching “Napoleon” and review it start to finish.

Albanyac

Didn't he just say there was a food shortage in France?

 Sam

What about it?

Albanyac 

How come they’re throwing food at her?

Sam

I can’t with you!

Albanyac

Well...

Sam

Poor, Antoinette though! If she knew they’d make so many movies about her, she’d have put on better make up lol

Albanyac

Or not given them any cake hahahhahahaha!

Sam

That’s what happens when you try to be nice and all.

Albanyac

And French be like; We are the country of l’amour but also here’s guillotine!

Sam

And Napoleon standing in the crowd like...thiz country thiz pipel!

Albanyac

And of course the source of all French problems - the British - who can’t stay in their freaking island...

Sam

...always searching for some sun...

Albanyac

...or anything that’s not theirs! Decide to start shit with French and of course blame them for it. 

Sam 

But if few people try to get to England through the waters then that’s it; Brexit!!! Hahahahahaha!

Albanyac

How dare they! Savages!

Sam

But why they made Napoleon so creepy though? Was he like this in real life?

Albanyac

You asking me like my grandparents knew him tf. 

Sam 

I mean from the books or whatever.

Albanyac

He was short, not handsome, but not ugly either. It has been said to have had good physical features but bad manners, but none of this soft spoking in a creepy way persona. As far as I know. Didn’t like cats and btw was once attacked by fucking rabbits. 

Sam

That’s weird!

Albanyac

Yep! There was some hunting event but they were some kind of farm raised rabbits and thought he was there to feed them instead because they were used to the farmers, so ran toward him full force and he had to hide. It was like thousands of them bunnies though.

Sam

When in France... 

Albanyac

OK, because we’re so off the movie.

Sam

Because the movie is off. One day he’s fighting in a port next day he’s in Egypt. Like, ok it’s Napoleon, but would be nice to know something more than what we get on Google. You spend gazillions making this movie, so what’s new? 

Albanyac

Exactly! Napoleon was great and his wife still cheat on him. What was even the point? They’re French, we know.  

Sam

We needed to know that as a cue to explain him coming back to France. Love saved the country! Even Ridley Scott himself doesn’t believe that. 

Albanyac

And why did we have to know Napoleon apparently liked to fuck doggy? Was that on his diary? How do they know? HOwDoTheYKnow?!!

Sam

And why is it that she never ages, while he goes from 40 to 50 real quick! He was supposed to be 25 in the beginning he does not look 25 anywhere in this movie. Are they ok with this bs?

Albanyac

Then they talk about not being able to have kids, but the moment he has kids that’s it. You never hear tf happened to his kids. 

Sam

That’s a good thing because it would have added another hour.

Albanyac

The horror!

Sam

Well, it wasn’t that bad common!

Albanyac

It’s not about being bad, it just doesn't have any purpose as a movie. Cinematically was good, otherwise there’s one interesting battle, there’s no action, no interesting facts. You learn nothing new about his life. Absolutely nothing about his upbringing or family. There’s just horses, and people on horses. The only part i liked that cracked me up was during the divorce...

Sam

An obstacle for the prosperity of France ahhahhaaha I would have laughed to. 

Albanyac

There’s no way that happened! The laugh, the slap the prosperity lol I’m not historian but I’m European enough to think that shit didn’t happen. Actually I think Hollywood needs to stay away from European history books. I know it makes money, and they slap an “fiction” mark on them and get away with it but people get fooled and think this actually happened. I mean it’s on Apple not on Hallmark. 

Sam

The Russian War was interesting. Although why does everybody goes to war with Russia in the Winter? Wtf! Then they’re all surprised because the cooold, well no shit! 

Albanyac

Then, there’s the British again talking about vermin, and peace when...BRUH why are you in Waterlooooo. You off the island bruuuuh! It ain’t cos’ you seek peace ain’t it now? Hahahhahaha! 

Sam

I love it when they fuck you over and guilt you into it. I was doing it for you babe! You don’t understand!

Albanyac

You catch up on European history pretty quick. It’s literally that and then they’ll change your borders, deny your existence, but not before calling you crazy and criminal lol. That’s why in Albania we call Europe - the Old Bitch. 

Sam

Damn! It could literally be my ex. 

This bored the tf out of me. I think I was just being nice but after that ending I’m just shelf it. 

Albanyac

I do have a final fun fact though. They say he was of Albanian origins.

Sam 

Oh, no the Albanian thing noooo!

Albanyac

Says the American reminding you they’re American even though the show takes place in America every 5 minutes of a tv show episode! 

Sam

Ridley should have made a movie about this because I know where’s this going. This would have been way more patriotic than Napoleon. 

Albanyac

Bish I could care less I’m just saying. Dude killed more than 3m people what’s there to claim him for? And it’s not an Albanian thing, it’s just that the world knows nothing about us and Europe has wiped off so much of our history that every time we say something it looks like we’re exaggerating. There’s French and Italian historians who’ve wrote about that and quoted his brother. Their family comes from the Albanian towns in Italy, they still carry the old Albanian name of Arberesh and it was known that when Napoleon was mad he’ll curse in Albanian.That’s all!

Sam   

OK, Ok! Napoleon was Albanian, Next thing you gonna say Mother Theresa was Albanian too...

Albanyac

Bish don’t you fucking start!

Sam

Hahahahhahahahaa! You know I’m just teasing!

Albanyac

Yeah, but you din’t doubt the rabbit fuck fest! Believed that in a second!

Sam

That was true though wasn’t it?

Albanyac

I don’t know! Ask the French!